Rap Battles of Zero
by General RTS
Summary: War. What a tragic waste of human resources, time, and lives. I always felt that conflict should be resolved without the use of violence... Which is why I went ahead and replaced every conflict within the Zero No Tsukaima series with Rap Battles. R&R
1. Louise VS Henrietta

**Author:** War. What a tragic waste of human resources, time, and lives. I always felt that conflict should be resolved without the use of violence and death. It always bothered me how hundreds of soldiers would die for the selifsh ambitions of corporate scumbags and petty politicians. Some wars seemed so pointless, heck why didn't they just resolve the damn issue over a game of cards... or even better a rap battle. I first got the idea of doing this when I watched episode 6 in Zero no Tsukaima F (the obligatory onsen episode) when Louise and Henrietta were duking it out against one another. And I thought: "Two best friends shouldn't be fighiting like that... especially not over a guy like Saito." Which is why I created this crap for you all to see.

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Louise VS Henrietta: Zero No Tsukaima Season 4 Episode 6<strong>**

****Henrietta:**** Well Louise, it seems like there's only one way to settle this.

**Louise:** Agreed. May the best ryhmer win.

**Henrietta:** You already know the rules. The winner gets Saito.

**Louise:** And the loser must stay away from him forever.

**Henrietta:** Let the battle **BEGIN!**

**Louise:**

Hey! Queen! Bitch! How dare you try to take my man!

I'll blow you so hard you'll be flying to the Holy Lands!

o0o

I'm sure you'll fit in with all those dirty little heathens there.

While Saito and I'll be glad to get some fresh air!

o0o

You slut! You need to realize Saito's already mine.

So go try to drown your heartache in some wine.

o0o

What's wrong princess? Got you panties in a bunch?

With that kind of attitude I'll eat you for lunch!

o0o

You take pride in your chest but you have no brains.

Your shot at love will be shorter than Cromwell's reign.

o0o

When bards sing of our rap battle and tell their tales,

They'll say I won faster than your quickie with Prince Wales!

o0o

**Henrietta: **

You're going to regret those words, Louise Francoise.

I'll beat you so bad you'll go crying home to mama.

o0o

You'll be bloodied and maimed, shattered and slain.

I do what I want because I'm the queen of Tristain.

o0o

Don't try to stand there and act as if you've taken care of Saito.

You've shown him less love than a sack of potatoes.

o0o

It's time you realize Saito's a man, with real man needs.

Instead you think he's a dog and whip him until he bleeds.

o0o

Face it, between you and me there's no comparison.

I'm better than to the point where it's almost embarrassin.

o0o

You're a miniature water flea without even a chest.

I'm a gorgeous queen and I actually have breasts!

o0o

**Louise:**

You sniveling little princess with your purple ass cape,

You're the worst magical traitor since Dumbledore and Snape!

o0o

This battle will over before you can even put it into motion.

All I have to do is wave my wand and **EXPLSOSION!**

o0o

**Henrietta: **

I'll break your heart Louise, like you broke the fourth wall.

In the end Saito will be mine, once and for all.

o0o

How long do you think he'll stand for your abuse?

When he's got me waiting for him to choose?

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><p>Who won? Tell me in the Reviews!<p> 


	2. Saito VS Guiche and Valkyrie

**Author:** War. What a tragic waste of human resources, time, and lives. I always felt that conflict should be resolved without the use of violence and death. It always bothered me how hundreds of soldiers would die for the selifsh ambitions of corporate scumbags and petty politicians. Some wars seemed so pointless, heck why didn't they just resolve the damn issue over a game of cards... or even better a rap battle. Well here's the obligatory Saito VS Guiche fight. Every rewrite fanfic of the Familiar of Zero series needs this fight. I had such a hard time finishing this one cuz I laughed way too much. Fun stuff. Enjoy!

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><p><strong><span>Saito VS Valkyrie and Guiche: Season 1 Episode 2<span>**

**Guiche:** I commend you for not running away peasant!

**Saito:** Yeah well… who'd run away from a douche like you?

**Guiche:** While your bravery is admirable the duel has already begun! _[A golem rises up from the ground]_ This bronze Valkyrie shall be your opponent!

**Saito:** Wait wha-

_**Begin!**_

**Valkyrie**

Yo I'm the certified golem, Valkyrie number one!

I'll break your pride to pieces before this battle's even done.

o0o

I got two fists of metal! I'll smash them in your face!

I'll punch you so hard you go flying to outer space!

o0o

How're you going to win boy? You got no moves!

Your shitty track suit won't help you when I throw down the grooves?

o0o

I'll mess you up bad kid. You're going to get owned.

But hey, it's not like you'll be missed because you're forever alone!

o0o

**Saito:**_ [Gets sent reeling in to the ground] _His rhymes are so good… They're too original! I… I can't win!

**Louise:** See! I told you this would happen! A commoner could never beat a noble in a rap battle. _[Saito's runes start glowing]_ What the…

**Saito:** What… What's going on? I… I can feel the beat! The music's so simple now. Inspiration is flowing into my mind! I can… I CAN WIN! Yo DJ! Throw me another beat!

o0o

**Saito**

You're weak! You pathetic excuse a musical Tin Man!

You were copyrighted straight off of Alice in Wonderland!

o0o

You can't even rap! I'm this story's main hero!

I believe this show's called Familiar of Zero!

o0o

You won't even be remembered past episode three!

You're only purpose in this plot was to get beaten by me!

o0o

You shouldn't take the floor if you don't know how to dance!

You're a pathetic excuse of a minion. You can't even wear pants!

o0o

**Valkyrie:** He… He's right. I can't wear pants. My life is meaningless. _[Shatters into a million pieces]_

**Guiche:** [Shocked] Impossible! How did you beat my golem?

**Saito:** I guess you're up Guiche!

**Guiche:** Very well. Fine!

o0o

**Guiche**

I am Guiche de Gramot, you ignorant commoner!

Those are pretty big words there so just think me your executioner!

o0o

I am a noble! You're an uncouth peasant from the streets!

I'm the most popular guy in school you could never match my beat!

o0o

Of course I don't expect you to understand that, you failure of a summon.

I doubt you even have what it takes to please a woman!

o0o

**Saito**

My Dick Bitch! Fills up a Lake!

Your Dick! IS PROBABLY FAKE!

o0o

You fool! When I come to love you can't hope to beat me!

I'll get my own harem of babes by season three!

o0o

I pity you douchebag! Do you wanna know why?

Cuz you can't get a girl no matter how hard you try!

o0o

**Guiche:** Those rhymes… They're too powerful. I… I yield!

o0o

**Winner:** Saito Hiraga

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><p>Who do you think should have won? Tell me in the Reviews! Which fight do you wan't to see next? Remember it has to be a fight from the anime series!<p> 


	3. Louise VS Eléonore

**Author:** War. What a tragic waste of human resources, time, and lives. I always felt that conflict should be resolved without the use of violence and death. It always bothered me how hundreds of soldiers would die for the selfish ambitions of corporate scumbags and petty politicians. Some wars seemed so pointless, heck why didn't they just resolve the damn issue over a game of cards... or even better a rap battle. Technically this conflict never happened in the anime and to my knowledge never happened in the Visual Novels. But I'm pretty sure it would have been inevitable if the series went on and besides it's a fanfic. What happened in the original series should never limit your imagination. Anyways this is most just some Eleanore bashing since I figured Louise deserved her sweet revenge after being picked on so much by her older sister. As the youngest child of a family I can kind of sympathize. Enjoy!

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><p><strong><strong><strong><strong>Louise VS Eléonore: Time Unknown<strong>****  
><strong>

**Eléonore Albertine Le Blanc De La Blois De La Vallière**

Louise! You arrogant, selfish, pint sized brat!

You couldn't do magic if you had to pull out a rabbit out of a hat!

o0o

You're failure, a disgrace, and a stain to the Valliere household.

Why don't you shut up and come home and do as you're told!

o0o

How are you noble? You have neither manners nor magic?

You're lacking in so many ways, it's almost tragic.

o0o

And the one time you actually managed to do something right.

You ran off with a commoner. Back then, he wasn't even a knight!

o0o

**Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière**

Stop. Right. There. I am Void Mage! Bitch! So show me some respect!

You have no idea what you're dealing with so prepare to get wrecked!

o0o

I have skills! I'm legendary! I carved my name in stone!

I outrank you! Second in line to the Tristainian throne!

o0o

I saved the pope and now I'm the priestess of Aquileia

People worship me in places from Tristain to Romalia.

o0o

You're not my sister! You're a mean faced little prick!

I bet you fiancé left you because you had a bigger dick!

o0o

Yeah, I know you're just mad, because I got married before you.

Well it was inevitable. Cuz let's face it. Who'd marry a shrew?

o0o

You were engaged to man but then you got ditched.

And you're too stupid to realize it was because you're such a fucking bitch.

o0o

I hate the way you walk around thinking you can take your anger out on me.

Why don't you buck up and face you own problems before I stick an arrow in your knee!

o0o

_*Scene Break*_

Somewhere in the world Louise Valliere woke up from her bed, the soft cry of birds greeting her ears while sunlight filtered in through the window and onto her face. She raised a hand to rub out the drowsiness in her eyes and mumbled the words, "Best… dream… _ever_."


End file.
